Lately, I’m so afraid to step into my true self and be who I am meant to be. I am frozen in a world of fear and doubt. I ask myself why am I so afraid to bring my authenticity forward, then I slowly feel subconsciously myself pulling an imaginary rug from beneath my feet. Yup, I’m imploding and self-destructing to feel more like myself you see. I’m so used to the chaos happening that I will automatically press my pressure points and kill all the avenues that lead me to succeed because I’m so afraid of falling from that of which is so high up that I’d not rather raise such high standards. In other words or shorter-term self-sabotage. How have I come so far and yet feel like I’ve not done much at all? Again it’s part of the rug being pulled from under me effect. I will do only as much as to feel stagnant in my situation and then come to a dead stop, I will procrastinate everything and freeze thinking and overthinking of all the infinite possibilities of what life could be like but that’s where I stop. I don’t take action because I’m terrified of such failure and yes is succeeding too greatly and then falling from such great high scary? Heck yes! I always compare this to my mental health struggles with bipolar disorder and experiencing a manic phase. In which you are in such a euphoric state that you feel as if nothing can hurt you yet coming off from such a high to a drowning depression can be a still bummer. But how do I step out of this trans in which I fell into? I believe the first step is to acknowledge it, then you must magnify the issue by asking yourself why you’re feeling this way. In my case, I found that every time I feel content or happy with myself there is always an unforeseen event that strikes and I lose my luster, but seeing and understanding this can and will help prepare me better for what might happen next. However, preparing doesn’t mean living in fear. Because that’s not living. Part of this is acceptance.
Clisver's Blues 